Confession: Chronic Pain, Ambition & Living well

Wowza, is every one else feeling the pressure of the season? I was speaking to a dear artisan friend the other day who mentioned that over the past few years they were unable to enjoy Halloween, do to the hectic work schedule this time of year brings. Shows, online markets, social networking, marketing not to mention family and everyday life.

It really hit a cord with me. I know for a fact if I am honest with myself, I can say the same about Halloween last year. Now, Halloween and Vine and even Ghoultide later undoubtedly made it quite fun (I soo enjoy shopping Halloween art ;) but when I got home and back to the real world of hectic schedules and expectations, the razzle dazzle of my beloved holiday was tarnished. There was no time left for fun it seemed.

This is such a sad and embarrassing thing for me to reveal. I work hard to be a machine as far a my body will allow me. I feel like it is a failure to not be enjoying the best time of year. I know that if my health was up to par that the heavy work schedule wouldn't mean a thing. You see, I have always enjoyed being an innovator even before I knew really what that meant. When I am smitten with my work it feels like fun, which means I end up devoting all time to that "work" and everything else gets neglected to some degree and I make no apologies-I just love it too much. I have never been good at balancing my home, work and social life and it is a character flaw that I wish was different for my loved ones but is not nor ever will be and I made peace with that long ago.

What I cannot make peace with is this bloody chronic pain. I think it is the chronic pain ruining my MoJo. It was just 1.5 years ago that I got the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia (aka: FM, Fibro). Leave it to me to get some disease-disorder that the medical community for over a 100 years believed was a falsehood and was simply made up in the imagination of needy women.
I told every specialist I saw over 12 weeks that they were wrong if they thought it was FM. You don't just wake up one day with "hospital pains" (the type of pain that the minute you feel it you know you are going to the hospital ER) always so fun, those are.

I later learned that the FM was brought on from a serious head trauma I had just suffered 2 years prior (10 foot steel pipe was dropped on my head (frontal lobe: memory, concentration, ect.. at a home improvement store). The gift that keeps on giving.

So, I now fully understand the depths of chronic pain (thought I understood before.. ha!) and how it through and through changes you as a person. It even changed a chunk of my belief system. There are things I would have never considered before that I surely would now if it made the pain go away. In truth, the pain has been in a harsh flair up for many weeks now. When it is bad, the pain brings me to an ugly place that should not exist--despair. During these time I cannot help but think about how I should be enjoying the upcoming sweet & spooky season and enjoying all of the good fortune and recognition that has been coming my way. I mean this is what I work for, to reach these goals and I cannot even enjoy it but for moments at a time.

Over the next 6 or so weeks I will be challenging myself by far the most I ever have since this illness took hold.
Even in great health, I believe the schedule I have made for myself would challenge Lance Armstrong. But I must secretly believe I can pull it all off because I NEVER give up.

So, in the next 6 weeks: I shall begin dismantling my current studio all together, painting the new one and moving all of the stuff back in. Staging the new studio for a photo shoot in TWO WEEKS for my biggest interview yet(eeep), Fully Decorate the house (we have approx 40 bins of Halloween decor), a coast to coast trip for Halloween and Vine which this year is 90% work related, Our first ever SpookyTimeJingles Holiday Soiree Art Show (HU-MUNGO undertaking), our 3rd annual Nelson's Manor Halloween adult Party (this is a very large undertaking), Multiple house guests at one time which will be a blast but the house has got to look good- fat chance in hell ;), Plus all of the normal stuff that goes on day to day...woo wee! I am wiped just from typing it out ;)
Yet, I am not sure I would change a single solitary thing! Yet, here I sit and vent, uh I am a frustration to myself!

So, as I prepare myself and try to align my health issues with my ambitions and learning to live well I ask for any positive thoughts and suggestions you can send my way as I try to find my way into the happy medium~

Love & hugs~
dingy dani~